Apparently there's a light at the end of the tunnel??? I think it's a train...

Well, I’m alive.  And that’s about all I can say.

I made it through my math and second writing class slightly unscathed.  In math I scored quite well, 97.2%, but I have Jon to thank for that.  Although I have to admit, I did the last homework assignment almost entirely on my own.  It had mostly to do with finance, so I compounded interest and pounded my head for about 1.5 hours until it was over.  

I just turned in my paper for my writing class late last night.  The instructor gave us the topic of censorship and it had to be 7-10 pages written in APA style.  I almost would rather do math then write that paper again.  Almost.  Seeing how this paper is worth 50 points, I really hope I do well.  The instructor really likes me so hopefully he and I have developed enough of an ESP bond for him to understand this last paper.  Please dear God.

Work has been an incredible challenge lately.  While I absolutely love my job, I feel that I am not being very effective.  When you have 50 people that are brand new and have about 1,000 questions apiece with limited people to ask questions to, it tends to frustrate you.  I am so happy that they are a brilliant bunch and extremely capable of doing this job, however they still need answers.  And while I’m pretty good about being able to provide accurate direction and assist them in thinking things out about 96.31% of the time, I feel very frustrated because I wish I could devote more individual time to them.

I was sitting with a gal the other day, and had no less than 10 instant messages going, at least 5 people on her team asking me questions as well as people from other teams coming over for help.  I love it, I really, really do.  I just hope that they all understand that I am one person, and that if I stop something  with one person in order to answer someone else’s question that I’m not ignoring the person I’m sitting with.  So far, they all have been very understanding and sweet…I just hope I can keep it up.  I really want to make a difference with these people and feel effective…so far, that’s not the feeling I’m having.  

All the stress with work and school has really started to take its toll on me physically.  Silly MS getting in the way.  My imbalance is starting to resurface along with the headaches and desensitization/numbness.  I’ve been trying to get to bed earlier to get a decent night’s sleep, which certainly helps, but it isn’t the answer.  MS Doc was right: I need to lead a stress-free life as much as possible.  Hahahahahaha, like that’s going to happen. 

For now, I’ll just focus on one day at a time and try to enjoy every moment.  I get this coming week off from school, which will be delightful.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to leave work at a decent hour and rest…

We shall see…

Update!

Sorry I’ve been such a neglectful blogger, or whatever the proper term is.  Life has been absolutely crazy lately.  

Not only did I go back to work on June 13^th, I had to go to Portsmouth, New Hampshire for work the week of the 20^th.  What an absolutely beautiful city.  A cute little town – it very much reminds me of Galena, IL or Toledo, Spain. 

Last week was also the final week of the 2 classes I was taking.  Thank goodness I scored an average of 99.85% between both classes.  WAHOO!!  I definitely needed to score well in those classes because now I’m taking a math class that has turned into the bane of my existence.  I hate math.  I abhor it.  I loathe it.  I detest it.  Get the picture?  I don’t understand why the heck I need to take math classes as a part of an organizational leadership degree.  People say that math develops good problem solving skills.  Well, honey, all my problems have nothing to do with math, I promise you.  Unless you want to do an equation of how many sperms does it take to get one MS gal successfully pregnant.  Frankly, you should take that problem to MIT and let me know when you get an answer.

I’m just wondering when I’m finally going to collapse with exhaustion.  Zzzzzzzzzz....

Other than school, I really have no life anymore.  Everything I do revolves around school.  I have so much TV filling up my DVR…*sigh* I’m going to have to start deleting shows just to make room for other stuff.  Well, perhaps I’ll start deleting Jon’s “Top Gear” episodes…I’m pretty sure he has every episode scheduled to record.  Really??  I like “Top Gear” as much as the next gal, and that’s really only because I find Richard Hammond absolutely adorable and Jeremy Clarkson terribly funny.  However, I don’t think he would miss a couple episodes, haha.

Virgin Blogger - Beware!

I’m not so sure about this blog thing.  I mean, who the heck cares about what I have to say?  Well, my husband does, but that’s more because he is legally obligated to care.  But does anyone else?

Not to toot my own horn, but I’ve been told that I’m a good writer.  And that I’m funny.  I’m not so sure that I’m funny as I’m sarcastic.  Sarcastic to a fault.  I love that I have to filter about 63.718% of everything I say.  It makes me who I am.  

I love that what you see with me is what you get.  You will know where you stand with me immediately.  I grew up surrounded by people that didn’t really communicate.  If someone was pissed off at someone else, they didn’t talk about it.  They just raised their eyebrows and gave each other the silent treatment until somebody gave in and then there was a screaming match.  Ugh.  My feet still hurt from walking around the eggshells.  I told Jon (my hubby) that I would NOT be like that.  Yes, I have my moments where I need to just be alone so I can work through my angry feelings, but thank God we communicate VERY WELL for a couple that’s been married for almost 8 years.  Of course we have our fights and our blow-ups, but we work through them and get over them at light speed compared to what I grew up with.  God bless that man for putting up with me.

Who am I?  Well, thanks for asking!  I am a 30-year-old girl who’s currently trying to have a unicorns and glitter outlook on life.  I’ve been married for almost 8 years to the most amazing man on the planet.  I’m serious.  He is the ying to my yang.  The peanut butter to my chocolate.  The wine glass to my Riesling.  You get the picture.  He is my soul mate, and I thank God everyday for him.  

I’ve been working for just over 6 years at my job, which I love.  And I’m serious: I love my job.  I’m a Quality Assurance Specialist for a major insurance company in the auto claims division.  I get to review claim files, calls, identify trends, recommend changes, meet with management and generally try to make improvements to the department.  I freakin’ love it.  And I miss it.  

I’ve been on disability from my job since April 25^th.  Just like last year, I was on disability for 3 months.  And I hated every second of it.  People say, “Oh you’re so lucky that you get to stay at home and get paid for it.”  Um, no.  Not at all.  Not in the slightest.  I'm pretty sure that having bamboo shoots shoved under my fingernails would be more pleasant than being on disability.  What you need to understand about me is that am a people person.  I live for interactions with people.  I love being in an office, surrounded by people, gossiping with my friends, and just generally loving life and my job.  I absolutely adore the people I work with – they are a fantastic mix, and I learn so much from them.  They are the reason WHY I go to work; I learn so much from them.  And I miss the hell out of them.

So, why am I not working?  Well, I have a little issue called Multiple Sclerosis aka MS.  I was diagnosed with this special gift a year ago and oh what fun that was.  That entailed several brain MRIs, (I am not a claustrophobic person, but oh my god, a brain MRI makes me claustrophobic.  Nothing like strapping your head in a cage, and shoving you in a tiny tube where your arms are smashed up against your body for, oh, say an hour.  Hello, Xanax!!) and a vacation at Edward Hospital complete with complimentary spinal tap.  And congratulations, Katie, you have MS.  We think.  Yeah, they didn’t know right away because I was not your “typical” MS patient.  It took a visit to the head of Multiple Sclerosis down at Rush University in Chicago to confirm, yes, your special gift in life is MS.  Why do I call it a gift?  Because it keeps on giving!!  Here are some of the gifts I can experience:

1)       Numbness or weakness in one or more limbs

2)      Tremors

3)      Tingling or pain in parts of my body

4)      Cognitive difficulties

5)      Walking, balance, and coordination problems

6)      Fatigue

7)      Swallowing problems

8)      Headache

9)      Slurred speech

10)    Sudden onset of paralysis

11)     Double vision or blurring of vision

12)    Speech disorders

13)    Dizziness

It’s like Christmas all year round!!!  Now, I don’t have all these symptoms at once, thankfully, but I do get to experience a lot of them on a daily basis.  Especially right now as I’m in full flare-up mode.  My numbness and tremors are so bad that I can’t drive; thus the reason I’m stuck at home.  If I get a good night’s sleep and some good luck, I can drive short distances, but that’s rare.  I’ve been working with my HR department to file for some American Disability Act which may allow me to work from home when I’m not able to drive.  We’ll see what happens.

I personally think that some of the stuff I have to do on a daily basis should be seriously considered by the Olympic Committee for entry in the next Olympics.  Let’s see…how about Folding Laundry With Numb Hands??  Do you know how hard that is??  I keep dropping the clothes, folding them crookedly, or have to pick them up using my whole hands and wrists.  It’s actually very amusing to watch, and I find that I laugh at myself quite often.  What else…Putting On Eyeliner & Mascara.  If I haven’t dropped the eyeliner and mascara, I’m trying to put the eyeliner on straight and not poke myself in the eyeball while having shaking hands.  Not very fun to watch, but the technical difficulty score should be high.  I deserve a Gold Medal!!

So why is it that I haven’t started any type of ongoing treatment?  Well, my symptoms weren’t all that bad a year ago.  I was having some balance issues and getting some minor tingling/numbness every now and then, but nothing that hung around for any crazy long period of time.   Now, however, it’s omnipresent and getting worse by the day.  Even more so if I’m active during the day.  I’m thankful that I really don’t have any pain to deal with: just the opposite.  I’m losing feeling.  

My biggest and most glaring issue with starting treatment is that I want a baby.  More.  Than.  Anything.  In.  This.  World.  I want to be able to have a family with Jon.  He deserves that because he will be an amazing father.  I watch him interact with our godchildren and it just makes my heart smile to know that he is made out of phenomenal “Dad” material.  Why not adopt?  Because at this point, until I’ve been told that I can’t have biological children, I’m going to continue to explore every avenue until they are exhausted.  Call me selfish, but I want so much to see little strawberry blond babies running around.  

That being said, there are no treatments out there for MS that are safe for pregnancy.  My MS doctor said that the steroids I was on are safe, but given my current state of symptoms, it doesn’t appear that they are working for me.  And frankly, I would probably go mental if I had to be on steroids all the time.  Don’t get me wrong; they are wonderful, wonderful drugs, however they come with some nasty side-effects.  

Pros: 

1)       Supposed reduced swelling in the brain (still waiting for that to happen)

2)      Suppressed any allergies I have(so I’m currently breathing like a Rock Star.  I dare anyone to challenge me to a kareoke contest of “Jar of Hearts” or “Dancing Queen” because I will kick your @$$)

3)      Your hair grow super-fine (which is great for shaving purposes)

4)      They give you lots and lots and lots and lots of energy (which I’ve channeled into cleaning)

5)      And that’s about it.  

Cons: 

1)      Insomnia (awful awful AWFUL.  I actually went about 38 hours with no sleep.  Talk about a walking zombie.  It’s awful  to the point where I need prescription meds to fall asleep)

2)      Agitation (again, need prescription needs so I’m not crawling the walls with Spiderman-like agility.  Without the downer drugs, it is sheer torture.  I’ve never been water-boarded, but I imagine this is right up there.)

3)      Shakiness (very similar to the actual MS symptoms)

4)      Voracious appetite (which is fantastic if you are around food that you love…otherwise this = weight gain)

5)      Diabetes (not permanently, but while you’re on steroids, you need to adhere to a low sodium, low sugar diet, otherwise you will be higher than a flipping kite…I know, I’ve made that mistake)

6)      Acne (and not just the little ones…full on leprosy.  You skin takes on a parchment-like quality, and is full of huge cyst zits, all the way to the little white heads.  And not just on your face, oh no, your neck, chest, back, and legs fall victim.  Just give me some linens and a bell.  “Unclean, unclean…”)

7)      Irritability (look out Jon or anyone who tries to cross me.  I will cut you.)

So how about that!!

Seeing how the aforementioned is what I’ve been dealing with, on top of all the MS symptoms, it’s little wonder that my body doesn’t want a baby in it.  As a matter of fact, that’s what the Baby Doc said too.  Guess it doesn’t matter that I’ve gotten pregnant twice before, one being an ectopic pregnancy, and the other ending in a miscarriage at 9 weeks…my body doesn’t want to make eggs.  I believe the term used was polycystic ovary syndrome.   So, after almost 3 years of trying to get pregnant, and being able to set a clock to my cycle, my body has decided that it doesn’t want to make eggs.  Of course, the thought is that once my MS is under control, things will go back to normal and I’ll be able to get pregnant.

GUESS WHAT THE BEST PART IS???  The only way for my MS symptoms to go away, or at least be lessened WITHOUT drugs is…..wait for it…..to get pregnant.  Apparently pregnancy has this great benefit for MS patients in that for most women, the symptoms of MS are relieved.  So, let me lay if out for you so you can truly understand my frustration: The thing that Jon and I have been working on for 3 years (having a baby) is the one thing that can help my MS (without getting on a long-term treatment plan.)  How great is that??  Aren’t you just laughing?  I am.  It took a long while for me to get to this point, but I can honestly laugh now.  God sure has a sense of humor.   In the meantime, we’ll be seeing an IVF specialist to see if there’s any way to speed up the baby.  I’ll also start taking hormones to kick my ovaries in the butt and tell them to get their act together.  I honestly don’t think anything in babydom will happen until my MS gets under control.  And you know what?  That’s OK.

I’ve finally made it to a place of acceptance.  Acceptance of my MS, acceptance of the fact that I may not have a baby for a couple years, acceptance that life isn’t as bad as it seems to be.  Yes, if I look at everything together, I could score perhaps a 12 on the crappy scale of 1-10, but it’s really not that bad.  It could be so much worse.  I could be constant pain; instead I’m in constant numbness.  I could not have a supportive family.  Instead, I have the best family and friends in the world.  They are always there for me, willing to cart my butt around, entertain me, pick me up when I fall, and love me unconditionally.  

So, we’ll see if I stick with this blog thing…this first blog has turned into a novel, and for that, I apologize.  Feel free to start throwing stones…