Insomnia and other nuggets...

It’s 4:08am.  Do you know where your spouse is?  Absolutely.  He’s upstairs passed out in our king-sized bed.  Along with my Mini Schnauzer named Charlie, who is blissfully sprawled out in my spot.  Amazing how a 20lb dog can turn into a 200lb dog when you’re trying to sleep.

Which brings me to my point.  I can’t sleep.  And it suuuuuuuuucks.  Tonight was the first night I didn’t take anything to help me sleep.  I have been sleeping pretty well, and longer these last couple days when I take my meds, so I thought that maybe I’m to the point where I don’t need something extra to visit the Land of Nod.  

I was wrong.

And now I’m super cranky.

Well, I’m more cranky because there is really nothing on TV at this hour.  Even if you have cable.  I mean, I just watched an infomercial about some chick with a southern accent all upset because she has to reuse her catheters.  Really???  I want to sleep!!!!  I don’t want a visual of some lady reusing a catheter.  Deeeeelllicious!!  Thank God there are companies out there to deal with this oh-so-pressing issue.

Moving on…

Tomorrow is the day Jon and I meet with the MS Doc.  Whoops…later TODAY.  I’m very excited and also very nervous.  Excited because I want to know what we can do to get my symptoms under control.  It appears that the only good the steroids have done thusfar is to keep my sorry butt up until all hours of the night.  We’ve got to find something that will work for me.  

Oh, and how is it that I just started this blog a few days ago and over 350 people have viewed it???  I don't think I know 300 people.  OK, well I have over 400 friends on Facebook, but we all know that I don't really *know* 400 people.  Nor would they all care that I have a blog.  Oh so curious...

Oh good!  “Maid In Manhattan” is on.  Nothing like some Ralph Fiennes and Jennifer Lopez to help me sleep.  Or not.

It'll happen...someday...

I just realized today, May 25^th, that if things were different, I would have a newborn baby girl.  She would be about 5 days old and probably sleeping and pooping her way through life.  I don’t know why I didn’t think about this on May 20^th, my actual due date.  It’s probably a good thing that I didn’t realize it on the actual date, because I would have been a basket case.  

But today, I realized it as I was driving to my doctor’s office.  It took me by such surprise that I almost veered off the road.  (Jon would not have been happy as he paid entirely too much for my wheels.)

I remember the day I found out that I had lost my baby like it was yesterday.  It was Friday, October 15^th, 2010…Jon and I were going to see the Baby Doc.  I was so freakin’ excited to be getting my 9 week ultrasound.  I had had some bleeding the week prior, so my Baby Doc wanted to see me at 9 weeks.  I remember giddily getting undressed and putting on my paper clothes and hopping up on the table for the exam.  The Baby Doc came in and said “Are you ready?”   “You betcha!!” was my very Minnesotan response.  He got everything ready and then we were off.

And then came those awful words: “I’m so sorry, Katie; there’s no heartbeat.” 

My world stopped.

“What?  Are you sure?  Look again!!!” I was in a panic; Jon reached for my hand.

“I’ve double- and triple-checked.  I’m so sorry”.

This can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening.

And then I lost it.  We had tried for over 2 years at that point to get pregnant.  I had already gone through an a-typical ectopic pregnancy the year before, and now this??  I got diagnosed with MS that May and now this??  What the hell did I do wrong to deserve this??  We had just told my family the week before that we were expecting, and now THIS??  What the $#&@!!!!!

Needless to say, that was a very dark time for me.  Everybody else around me was getting pregnant and staying pregnant; why not me?  Why was I so broken??  Why was all this sh!t happening to me??

When we got the results of the tests back on the baby, we found out that she had Turner’s Syndrome – some god-awful genetic disease where the baby is missing a chromosome, and rarely survives.  If they do survive, it’s not pretty.  Just google “Turner’s syndrome” and you’ll see why.  All said and done, it’s a blessing that the pregnancy ended when it did.  

Of course, I can say that now because I’ve come to terms with everything.  Unfortunately, I’ve not had any luck getting pregnant because of the MS, but Jon and I will be meeting with an infertility specialist in June to start looking into the IVF process.  Why do they call them “infertility specialists”??  Shouldn’t they be called “fertility specialists”??  After all, they specialize in making you fertile.  “Infertility” just seems so negative.  

Anyways, if we’re super lucky, we could be the next Jon and Kate plus 8!! 

I've made it!!

Just picture my name there...I'm not sure how A.L. Taylor gets to be so lucky.

I’ve officially made it in the world!!  Yesterday I got my first invitation to be a Black Card holder!!!!!  What, you may ask, is a Black Card??  Let me fill you in on this wonderfulness:

1)      Limited Membership

2)      24-Hour Concierge Service

3)      Exclusive Rewards Program

4)      VIP Airport Lounge Access

5)      Luxury Gifts

6)      Patent Pending Carbon Card – my husband would get a kick out of this

7)      $495 Annual Fee – I’m sorry, whhhaa????

Jon got his invitation to be a Black Card holder a couple months ago and I was pissed!!!!!!  Of course, he didn’t sign up for it, and neither will I, but the fact that he got an invite, and I didn’t just un-nerved me.  And I know exactly why.

When I was much younger, say oh, back in high school and college, I was dumb.  Not just dumb, phenomenally stupid.  Catastrophically unintelligent.   I got my first credit card back then; I think it was a Capital One card (what’s in your wallet??? Free money!!!!)  I also got a bunch of store credit cards: Sears, Kohl’s, Victoria’s Secret (uber dangerous!!), Old Navy, Target – you name it.  Did I have a job?  No, not really.  I had harp gigs on the side that paid very well, but it’s not like I was booked every weekend.  At $250/hour it paid very well…much like a high-priced call girl...but without the “activities”.  (Yes, I played the harp for 11 years….actually went to college on full scholarship for Harp Performance because I was *that good*, but stopped after two years because of a badly broken finger…that’s another story for another time).  Needless to say, I was fiscally irresponsible.  To the point where my credit rating was in the toilet.  And not just any toilet: the “I just had bad Mexican food, and I’m feeling a touch of the stomach flu coming on” toilet.  You’re welcome for that mental picture.  

When I married Jon, he took me, my debt, and my bad spending habits under his wing and coached me to become more financially responsible.  TRANSLATION: he verbally kicked me in the @$$, completely took over the finances, put me on a budget, and worked out a way to pay my debt off.  God bless that man for putting up with me.  

Now, for those of you who have made financial mistakes in the past, you know how painstakingly hard it is to raise your credit score.  It takes time, effort, more time, paying your bills on time, more effort, and then your score will go up 2 points.  I’m proud to say that my score is now better than it has ever been.  I don’t know what it is exactly, but I know it’s pretty awesome because I got the Black Card invitation.  And because I’ve been getting invitations for every other credit card on the planet on a tri-weekly basis.  You have no idea how much joy it gives me to rip up all those credit card offers.  It used to piss Jon off that he would have to constantly rip up the credit card offers that he was getting.  I remember going off on him one time “Do you have any idea how f’n lucky you are??  I would kill to be getting credit card offers all day long!!  Some people aren’t lucky like that!  Some people have terrible credit, and can’t get their credit rating up!!” It went on and on and on…quite similar to my mother’s rant of “You better eat all the food on your plate!!  There are starving children in China who would kill for a meal like this!!!”

So yes.  Make fun of my Black Card all you want.  But it’s been the highlight of my week…even though I would never in a million years sign up for it.  I mean, who on earth can afford a $495 annual fee??

Randomness that pisses me off...

It's called the sidewalk.  Use it.  Why do you feel the need to jog/run/walk in the street??  Especially with your small children regardless if they are in a stroller or not.  The sidewalk is perfectly smooth and empty, even more so than the street in the majority of cases.  Why is it that you chose to travel on the street?  And not only that, you're traveling in the wrong direction!!  Is it because you want to see me coming when I run you over??  In the car vs. pedestrian battle, the car will win.  Every time.  You don't see cars driving along on the sidewalk.  No, we stay where we belong.  In the street.  Traveling in the correct direction.  Not giving you dirty looks when we pass you. 

So please do us all a favor and stay on the sidewalk.  I don't want to run you over any more than you want to be run over. 

Thank you,
Katie

Dreams and other nonsense...

Have you ever opened your eyes in the morning and the first thing you think is “What the hell was that?”  That happened to me this morning for the second morning in a row.  Now that I’m finally getting some quality sleep while only taking slight doses of prescription meds to knock me out at night, I’m having some wacky dreams.  OK, “wacky” is an understatement.  “F’d up” more fits the bill.  Why am I dreaming about my office, which apparently is at a water park/nightclub, and there are a bunch of skinny-minny’s running around in not much clothing and then we all of sudden have to evacuate because we’re being bombed?  Oh, and I’m busy flirting with the cute copy boy who is really too metro-sexual for my taste, yet I was shamelessly throwing myself at him??  I’m such a harlot.  WTF???

It’s dreams like these that cause me to stay in bed for a while and ponder.  What in the world did I eat last night to cause *that*???  Let’s see, I made a chicken and rice dish which had too much salt…had maybe half a cup of ice cream with chocolate syrup…and a Diet Coke.  Yeah, nothing crazy.  Pretty bland actually.  I’m glad tonight is Taco Night.  Ole!!

Or I’ll brood over what kind of TV shows I’ve been watching lately to see if any of them have edged their way in my subconscious.  Let’s see….I’ve watched the Justin Timberlake SNL special about 489 times, an episode and a half of “Holmes Inspection” on HGTV (sidebar: Damon is one HOT Canadian, eh), and that’s about it.  Maybe it’s a side effect of all the drugs working themselves out of my system.  

Speaking of side effects, my leprosy has gotten much better, thank goodness!!  Steroids mess with my skin something fierce and I hate it!!  My jumbo bell to warn people that I’m unclean has been replaced by something more Tinker Bell-sized.  Hallelujah.

However, the MS still rages on.  Today my eyes are all messed up.  I feel like I’m looking out a dirty window.  That’s really the best way I can explain it.  It’s like I have some fuzzy, gray spots in my vision that I can’t clear up and it’s making everything bleary.  I had to put my glasses on, and still, it’s not right.  Oh well. 

My legs are also starting to be painful.  I don’t understand.  Not only do I get numbness, now my calves are aching.  Moo.  It’s really an interesting combination if I stop and think about it.  I would prefer the numbness over the pain any day, but maybe it’s my body fighting the numbness and translating it into pain?  Who knows.  Got to add that weirdness to the list.  

OK, now I need to get working on school.  Oh that’s right; on top of all the other madness that is my life, I’ve decided to go back to school.  I’m currently in Week 4 in my online classes at Benedictine University and I LOVE IT!!!  Well, things are getting more intense now, but it’s great to have something to apply my energy to.  I’m going for a degree in Organizational Leadership.  It's basically my job on paper.  I get to study how people interact in a business....more the psychological aspect of a business degree.  Lucky for me my employer offers tuition reimbursement of $6,000/year until it's all paid off.  Sounds like I'll be working at Liberty Mutual for a loooooooooonnnnnnngggggg time.  My degree should take me between 2.5-3 years to complete, but who knows how long it will take to pay off.  I may be better off giving Liberty my firstborn.  Oh wait, that requires getting pregnant.  Guess that's not going to happen anytime soon, hahaha!!  :) 

Virgin Blogger - Beware!

I’m not so sure about this blog thing.  I mean, who the heck cares about what I have to say?  Well, my husband does, but that’s more because he is legally obligated to care.  But does anyone else?

Not to toot my own horn, but I’ve been told that I’m a good writer.  And that I’m funny.  I’m not so sure that I’m funny as I’m sarcastic.  Sarcastic to a fault.  I love that I have to filter about 63.718% of everything I say.  It makes me who I am.  

I love that what you see with me is what you get.  You will know where you stand with me immediately.  I grew up surrounded by people that didn’t really communicate.  If someone was pissed off at someone else, they didn’t talk about it.  They just raised their eyebrows and gave each other the silent treatment until somebody gave in and then there was a screaming match.  Ugh.  My feet still hurt from walking around the eggshells.  I told Jon (my hubby) that I would NOT be like that.  Yes, I have my moments where I need to just be alone so I can work through my angry feelings, but thank God we communicate VERY WELL for a couple that’s been married for almost 8 years.  Of course we have our fights and our blow-ups, but we work through them and get over them at light speed compared to what I grew up with.  God bless that man for putting up with me.

Who am I?  Well, thanks for asking!  I am a 30-year-old girl who’s currently trying to have a unicorns and glitter outlook on life.  I’ve been married for almost 8 years to the most amazing man on the planet.  I’m serious.  He is the ying to my yang.  The peanut butter to my chocolate.  The wine glass to my Riesling.  You get the picture.  He is my soul mate, and I thank God everyday for him.  

I’ve been working for just over 6 years at my job, which I love.  And I’m serious: I love my job.  I’m a Quality Assurance Specialist for a major insurance company in the auto claims division.  I get to review claim files, calls, identify trends, recommend changes, meet with management and generally try to make improvements to the department.  I freakin’ love it.  And I miss it.  

I’ve been on disability from my job since April 25^th.  Just like last year, I was on disability for 3 months.  And I hated every second of it.  People say, “Oh you’re so lucky that you get to stay at home and get paid for it.”  Um, no.  Not at all.  Not in the slightest.  I'm pretty sure that having bamboo shoots shoved under my fingernails would be more pleasant than being on disability.  What you need to understand about me is that am a people person.  I live for interactions with people.  I love being in an office, surrounded by people, gossiping with my friends, and just generally loving life and my job.  I absolutely adore the people I work with – they are a fantastic mix, and I learn so much from them.  They are the reason WHY I go to work; I learn so much from them.  And I miss the hell out of them.

So, why am I not working?  Well, I have a little issue called Multiple Sclerosis aka MS.  I was diagnosed with this special gift a year ago and oh what fun that was.  That entailed several brain MRIs, (I am not a claustrophobic person, but oh my god, a brain MRI makes me claustrophobic.  Nothing like strapping your head in a cage, and shoving you in a tiny tube where your arms are smashed up against your body for, oh, say an hour.  Hello, Xanax!!) and a vacation at Edward Hospital complete with complimentary spinal tap.  And congratulations, Katie, you have MS.  We think.  Yeah, they didn’t know right away because I was not your “typical” MS patient.  It took a visit to the head of Multiple Sclerosis down at Rush University in Chicago to confirm, yes, your special gift in life is MS.  Why do I call it a gift?  Because it keeps on giving!!  Here are some of the gifts I can experience:

1)       Numbness or weakness in one or more limbs

2)      Tremors

3)      Tingling or pain in parts of my body

4)      Cognitive difficulties

5)      Walking, balance, and coordination problems

6)      Fatigue

7)      Swallowing problems

8)      Headache

9)      Slurred speech

10)    Sudden onset of paralysis

11)     Double vision or blurring of vision

12)    Speech disorders

13)    Dizziness

It’s like Christmas all year round!!!  Now, I don’t have all these symptoms at once, thankfully, but I do get to experience a lot of them on a daily basis.  Especially right now as I’m in full flare-up mode.  My numbness and tremors are so bad that I can’t drive; thus the reason I’m stuck at home.  If I get a good night’s sleep and some good luck, I can drive short distances, but that’s rare.  I’ve been working with my HR department to file for some American Disability Act which may allow me to work from home when I’m not able to drive.  We’ll see what happens.

I personally think that some of the stuff I have to do on a daily basis should be seriously considered by the Olympic Committee for entry in the next Olympics.  Let’s see…how about Folding Laundry With Numb Hands??  Do you know how hard that is??  I keep dropping the clothes, folding them crookedly, or have to pick them up using my whole hands and wrists.  It’s actually very amusing to watch, and I find that I laugh at myself quite often.  What else…Putting On Eyeliner & Mascara.  If I haven’t dropped the eyeliner and mascara, I’m trying to put the eyeliner on straight and not poke myself in the eyeball while having shaking hands.  Not very fun to watch, but the technical difficulty score should be high.  I deserve a Gold Medal!!

So why is it that I haven’t started any type of ongoing treatment?  Well, my symptoms weren’t all that bad a year ago.  I was having some balance issues and getting some minor tingling/numbness every now and then, but nothing that hung around for any crazy long period of time.   Now, however, it’s omnipresent and getting worse by the day.  Even more so if I’m active during the day.  I’m thankful that I really don’t have any pain to deal with: just the opposite.  I’m losing feeling.  

My biggest and most glaring issue with starting treatment is that I want a baby.  More.  Than.  Anything.  In.  This.  World.  I want to be able to have a family with Jon.  He deserves that because he will be an amazing father.  I watch him interact with our godchildren and it just makes my heart smile to know that he is made out of phenomenal “Dad” material.  Why not adopt?  Because at this point, until I’ve been told that I can’t have biological children, I’m going to continue to explore every avenue until they are exhausted.  Call me selfish, but I want so much to see little strawberry blond babies running around.  

That being said, there are no treatments out there for MS that are safe for pregnancy.  My MS doctor said that the steroids I was on are safe, but given my current state of symptoms, it doesn’t appear that they are working for me.  And frankly, I would probably go mental if I had to be on steroids all the time.  Don’t get me wrong; they are wonderful, wonderful drugs, however they come with some nasty side-effects.  

Pros: 

1)       Supposed reduced swelling in the brain (still waiting for that to happen)

2)      Suppressed any allergies I have(so I’m currently breathing like a Rock Star.  I dare anyone to challenge me to a kareoke contest of “Jar of Hearts” or “Dancing Queen” because I will kick your @$$)

3)      Your hair grow super-fine (which is great for shaving purposes)

4)      They give you lots and lots and lots and lots of energy (which I’ve channeled into cleaning)

5)      And that’s about it.  

Cons: 

1)      Insomnia (awful awful AWFUL.  I actually went about 38 hours with no sleep.  Talk about a walking zombie.  It’s awful  to the point where I need prescription meds to fall asleep)

2)      Agitation (again, need prescription needs so I’m not crawling the walls with Spiderman-like agility.  Without the downer drugs, it is sheer torture.  I’ve never been water-boarded, but I imagine this is right up there.)

3)      Shakiness (very similar to the actual MS symptoms)

4)      Voracious appetite (which is fantastic if you are around food that you love…otherwise this = weight gain)

5)      Diabetes (not permanently, but while you’re on steroids, you need to adhere to a low sodium, low sugar diet, otherwise you will be higher than a flipping kite…I know, I’ve made that mistake)

6)      Acne (and not just the little ones…full on leprosy.  You skin takes on a parchment-like quality, and is full of huge cyst zits, all the way to the little white heads.  And not just on your face, oh no, your neck, chest, back, and legs fall victim.  Just give me some linens and a bell.  “Unclean, unclean…”)

7)      Irritability (look out Jon or anyone who tries to cross me.  I will cut you.)

So how about that!!

Seeing how the aforementioned is what I’ve been dealing with, on top of all the MS symptoms, it’s little wonder that my body doesn’t want a baby in it.  As a matter of fact, that’s what the Baby Doc said too.  Guess it doesn’t matter that I’ve gotten pregnant twice before, one being an ectopic pregnancy, and the other ending in a miscarriage at 9 weeks…my body doesn’t want to make eggs.  I believe the term used was polycystic ovary syndrome.   So, after almost 3 years of trying to get pregnant, and being able to set a clock to my cycle, my body has decided that it doesn’t want to make eggs.  Of course, the thought is that once my MS is under control, things will go back to normal and I’ll be able to get pregnant.

GUESS WHAT THE BEST PART IS???  The only way for my MS symptoms to go away, or at least be lessened WITHOUT drugs is…..wait for it…..to get pregnant.  Apparently pregnancy has this great benefit for MS patients in that for most women, the symptoms of MS are relieved.  So, let me lay if out for you so you can truly understand my frustration: The thing that Jon and I have been working on for 3 years (having a baby) is the one thing that can help my MS (without getting on a long-term treatment plan.)  How great is that??  Aren’t you just laughing?  I am.  It took a long while for me to get to this point, but I can honestly laugh now.  God sure has a sense of humor.   In the meantime, we’ll be seeing an IVF specialist to see if there’s any way to speed up the baby.  I’ll also start taking hormones to kick my ovaries in the butt and tell them to get their act together.  I honestly don’t think anything in babydom will happen until my MS gets under control.  And you know what?  That’s OK.

I’ve finally made it to a place of acceptance.  Acceptance of my MS, acceptance of the fact that I may not have a baby for a couple years, acceptance that life isn’t as bad as it seems to be.  Yes, if I look at everything together, I could score perhaps a 12 on the crappy scale of 1-10, but it’s really not that bad.  It could be so much worse.  I could be constant pain; instead I’m in constant numbness.  I could not have a supportive family.  Instead, I have the best family and friends in the world.  They are always there for me, willing to cart my butt around, entertain me, pick me up when I fall, and love me unconditionally.  

So, we’ll see if I stick with this blog thing…this first blog has turned into a novel, and for that, I apologize.  Feel free to start throwing stones…