Babies, babies, babies...

So, Jonny and I went to the infertility doc yesterday.  Yikes.  I really had no idea what to expect, but I did know that I would be nervous.  Extremely nervous.

Jon and I drove separately so he could head straight to work afterwards.  God bless his boss for being so supportive of his needing to take time off of work and rearranging his schedule to be with me at my multitude of doctor’s appointments.  We got into the office where I had to check in.  On a touch-screen TV.  No sh!t.  This giant TV is sitting on the receptionist’s desk saying “Please touch the screen to check in!”   Wow.  How high-tech is this joint!!  

So, I punch the screen and begin in the check in process.  Very similar to checking in at the airport for your e-ticket.  Without the option to upgrade your seat.  Ah well.  But it did come complete with the ID check in.  As in, there was a webcam on the TV and it snapped my picture.  Although, it was better than the DMV because I got to approve my picture, haha.  

Jon and I sit down in wicker chairs and he picks up a couple magazines for us to thumb through.  I’m sorry, I need to restate that.  We sit down in WICKER CHAIRS.  Guess we know where the budget for the office went to….the TV.

I get called back by the nurse to have my vitals checked.  Blood pressure is HIGH.  Shocking.  She asks me if that’s normal for me.  No, I’m your 120 over 80 girl every other day of the week.  

Then we get called back to see the doctor in his office.  I really liked him except for the fact that he thought my eyes were about 8-10 inches BELOW my eyes.  Hello!!!!!  Up here buddy!!!!  Oh well, men have their faults.  

However, he did make up for it in the fact that he had more statistics than I knew what to do with.  He had done a lot of research about pregnancy and MS, which I was really happy about, however, none of the news he had was good.  All the statistics he had showed that a woman with MS has worse statistics for pregnancy than any other “normal” person.  Which is what I figured, but still hard to hear.  He did mention that the majority of the time if a woman with MS gets pregnant, normally her symptoms are suppressed, which is GOOD.

Then we got to talking fertility options.  I am unable to take the oral hormone pills because my MS doctor said NO.  I guess the oral hormone pills that I would be prescribed tells parts of my brain to make more eggs.  Because my brain is already jumbled up and inflamed in certain areas, the less we mess with it, the better.  So, those are out.  

Next option is taking injection steroids, which I believe is what the ­*other* Jon and Kate did.  I would take the injections for about 10 days to stimulate my ovaries, and then we would try on our own.  Typically, people would use this method for 4-5 months, and if nothing happens, they move on to something different.  When the doctor told us that by trying this method our chance of having twins was 1 in 4 and having more babies than 2 was (I believe) 1 in 10, Jon goes, “OK, that’s good!”  

I nearly fell out of my chair.

I look over at him and say “Are you crazy??  We don’t even have 1 baby yet, and you’re already talking about multiples???”  

And he goes “Once and done, right??”  Ahahahahahaha…he’s so funny.  Jon wants two kids, and I want 4, so we shall see who wins this battle.  I have the feeling that I have the power, but who knows.  Of course, he has volunteered that if we are blessed with multiples, he will personally *snip snip*.  That’ll save us some insurance costs, thanks, hon.  

From talking to my neighbors and good friends Kelly and Lisa, we would probably be better off having twins or multiples first because then we wouldn’t know any different.  If we were blessed with another baby after that, it will be a cake walk.  Ahahahahahaha….it makes sense, but still.  

We also talked about IVF.  The scary thing is that he had a study of 6 women with MS in France that underwent IVF, and 5 out of the 6 of them experienced relapses WHILE prepping for the IVF because of all the hormones, etc.  Wonderful.  I should have asked what the exact differences were between the hormones for us trying on our own and the IVF ones.  Argh.  I was trying so hard to remember everything he was saying.  

So, needless to say, we have a lot of thinking to do, although, I’m pretty sure Jon has his mind made up.  Once he gets back from Ohio tomorrow, we’ll be able to talk about it more.  

I’m trying very hard not to get overwhelmed and to stay calm with this whole baby thing, but it’s getting increasingly more and more difficult.  It’s hard when you’re surrounded by happy little toddlers, and go to baptisms of perfect little boys, and to be a godmother to two beautiful children.  I can’t help but think: “why not me?”  

It seems that everywhere I look, people have kids or babies, or are pregnant and have no problems getting pregnant or staying pregnant.  UGH UGH UGH!!!  How is it that they are so lucky??

Then I have to remind myself that I have a wonderful life, a wonderful husband, wonderful family, wonderful friends and I need to focus on that and be thankful for that.  Maybe Jon and I aren’t meant to have children.  Maybe we can just spend the rest of our lives traveling…who knows.  I’ve just got to focus on the positive and keep my spirits up. 

MS Appointment Results...

Sorry I’ve been so absent lately.  I've been busy with school and travel...  :)

Where to start…

Well, I had my MS Doctor appointment last Thursday.  He is such a hoot.  The more I see him, the more of him I see, if that makes sense.  He’s finally learned that I have a sense of humor, and I deal with things that frighten me through humor.  (MS?  Scares me to death.) 

As Jon and I are walking back to the doctor’s office, me with a slightly off-kilter gait, the MS doc asks me how I’m doing.  I said to him that I felt that I was 2-3 times worse than I was 5 weeks ago.  I was shakier, more numb (head, face, throat {most annoying as it feels like I can’t swallow or breathe} at times my back, forearms, hands, sometimes my legs, and feet), my grip was terrible, my eyesight was messed up, and my brain was having some problems putting words in my mouth.  MS Doc looks directly at Jon and says “You need to get a new wife.” 

Ahahahahaha!!  Hahahahaha...hahahaha...hahaha...haha...ha. 

“Fix me, Doc.”

(Complete and random sidebar: as I have finished my school work for the day, I’ve been watching the last three episodes of the Oprah Show.  If you watched it and didn’t shed a tear, you have no soul.)

So, the Doc performed his examination, and concluded that my MS wasn’t getting worse (yay!), but that I was going through steroid withdrawal hardcore.  Um, wonderful.  He asked me how I was sleeping, which I wasn’t without chemical help.  I told him that I tried not taking anything the night before and I was up ALL NIGHT.  Doc basically told me that I was “kooky”, yes kooky, and that I needed to stop being such a worrywart, and that I wasn’t going to get better unless I rested and relaxed.  Jon had to clarify: “So, Doc, it’s your medical opinion that she needs to calm the F down?”  Doc laughed and said yes.  

Greeeeaaaaat.  (I'm pretty sure Jon would have recorded that if he were able.  I did not offer him the assistance of my iPhone.)

It’s an inherent gene that I have called “worryism”, and I’m pretty sure that I can’t not worry.  It frustrates Jon to no end, and he will be the first one to tell you that.

So, the Doc prescribed me with another sleeping pill, and anti-anxiety drugs, which I have yet to take.  Why?  Because I don’t think I’m crazy.  But, isn’t that what all the crazy people say?  Muuuuhahahaha.

Doc said that I need to give it another couple weeks and I should be OK.  And he’s been right so far…I do seem to be getting better.  Shocking how he’s right.  But, I guess that’s why he’s paid the big bucks.  We also have decided to start an MS medication called Tysabri.  It’s a drug that stays in my system for only 15 days, so the doctors will be able to time the drugs with my cycle, so that way, should I get pregnant, the drugs should be out of my system by then.  

Speaking of babies…Jon and I have also decided to look into IVF.  We were able to get an appointment with an IVF specialist next Monday to discuss our options.  If I’m able to get pregnant, the MS drugs can stop as a pregnancy should suppress my symptoms.

All that being said, I’m planning on going back to work on June 13^th.  YAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!  Again, people, it is no fun being at home on disability.    NO FUN AT ALL.  My dog begs to differ, but he’s a pansy. 

Insomnia and other nuggets...

It’s 4:08am.  Do you know where your spouse is?  Absolutely.  He’s upstairs passed out in our king-sized bed.  Along with my Mini Schnauzer named Charlie, who is blissfully sprawled out in my spot.  Amazing how a 20lb dog can turn into a 200lb dog when you’re trying to sleep.

Which brings me to my point.  I can’t sleep.  And it suuuuuuuuucks.  Tonight was the first night I didn’t take anything to help me sleep.  I have been sleeping pretty well, and longer these last couple days when I take my meds, so I thought that maybe I’m to the point where I don’t need something extra to visit the Land of Nod.  

I was wrong.

And now I’m super cranky.

Well, I’m more cranky because there is really nothing on TV at this hour.  Even if you have cable.  I mean, I just watched an infomercial about some chick with a southern accent all upset because she has to reuse her catheters.  Really???  I want to sleep!!!!  I don’t want a visual of some lady reusing a catheter.  Deeeeelllicious!!  Thank God there are companies out there to deal with this oh-so-pressing issue.

Moving on…

Tomorrow is the day Jon and I meet with the MS Doc.  Whoops…later TODAY.  I’m very excited and also very nervous.  Excited because I want to know what we can do to get my symptoms under control.  It appears that the only good the steroids have done thusfar is to keep my sorry butt up until all hours of the night.  We’ve got to find something that will work for me.  

Oh, and how is it that I just started this blog a few days ago and over 350 people have viewed it???  I don't think I know 300 people.  OK, well I have over 400 friends on Facebook, but we all know that I don't really *know* 400 people.  Nor would they all care that I have a blog.  Oh so curious...

Oh good!  “Maid In Manhattan” is on.  Nothing like some Ralph Fiennes and Jennifer Lopez to help me sleep.  Or not.

It'll happen...someday...

I just realized today, May 25^th, that if things were different, I would have a newborn baby girl.  She would be about 5 days old and probably sleeping and pooping her way through life.  I don’t know why I didn’t think about this on May 20^th, my actual due date.  It’s probably a good thing that I didn’t realize it on the actual date, because I would have been a basket case.  

But today, I realized it as I was driving to my doctor’s office.  It took me by such surprise that I almost veered off the road.  (Jon would not have been happy as he paid entirely too much for my wheels.)

I remember the day I found out that I had lost my baby like it was yesterday.  It was Friday, October 15^th, 2010…Jon and I were going to see the Baby Doc.  I was so freakin’ excited to be getting my 9 week ultrasound.  I had had some bleeding the week prior, so my Baby Doc wanted to see me at 9 weeks.  I remember giddily getting undressed and putting on my paper clothes and hopping up on the table for the exam.  The Baby Doc came in and said “Are you ready?”   “You betcha!!” was my very Minnesotan response.  He got everything ready and then we were off.

And then came those awful words: “I’m so sorry, Katie; there’s no heartbeat.” 

My world stopped.

“What?  Are you sure?  Look again!!!” I was in a panic; Jon reached for my hand.

“I’ve double- and triple-checked.  I’m so sorry”.

This can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening.

And then I lost it.  We had tried for over 2 years at that point to get pregnant.  I had already gone through an a-typical ectopic pregnancy the year before, and now this??  I got diagnosed with MS that May and now this??  What the hell did I do wrong to deserve this??  We had just told my family the week before that we were expecting, and now THIS??  What the $#&@!!!!!

Needless to say, that was a very dark time for me.  Everybody else around me was getting pregnant and staying pregnant; why not me?  Why was I so broken??  Why was all this sh!t happening to me??

When we got the results of the tests back on the baby, we found out that she had Turner’s Syndrome – some god-awful genetic disease where the baby is missing a chromosome, and rarely survives.  If they do survive, it’s not pretty.  Just google “Turner’s syndrome” and you’ll see why.  All said and done, it’s a blessing that the pregnancy ended when it did.  

Of course, I can say that now because I’ve come to terms with everything.  Unfortunately, I’ve not had any luck getting pregnant because of the MS, but Jon and I will be meeting with an infertility specialist in June to start looking into the IVF process.  Why do they call them “infertility specialists”??  Shouldn’t they be called “fertility specialists”??  After all, they specialize in making you fertile.  “Infertility” just seems so negative.  

Anyways, if we’re super lucky, we could be the next Jon and Kate plus 8!! 

Dreams and other nonsense...

Have you ever opened your eyes in the morning and the first thing you think is “What the hell was that?”  That happened to me this morning for the second morning in a row.  Now that I’m finally getting some quality sleep while only taking slight doses of prescription meds to knock me out at night, I’m having some wacky dreams.  OK, “wacky” is an understatement.  “F’d up” more fits the bill.  Why am I dreaming about my office, which apparently is at a water park/nightclub, and there are a bunch of skinny-minny’s running around in not much clothing and then we all of sudden have to evacuate because we’re being bombed?  Oh, and I’m busy flirting with the cute copy boy who is really too metro-sexual for my taste, yet I was shamelessly throwing myself at him??  I’m such a harlot.  WTF???

It’s dreams like these that cause me to stay in bed for a while and ponder.  What in the world did I eat last night to cause *that*???  Let’s see, I made a chicken and rice dish which had too much salt…had maybe half a cup of ice cream with chocolate syrup…and a Diet Coke.  Yeah, nothing crazy.  Pretty bland actually.  I’m glad tonight is Taco Night.  Ole!!

Or I’ll brood over what kind of TV shows I’ve been watching lately to see if any of them have edged their way in my subconscious.  Let’s see….I’ve watched the Justin Timberlake SNL special about 489 times, an episode and a half of “Holmes Inspection” on HGTV (sidebar: Damon is one HOT Canadian, eh), and that’s about it.  Maybe it’s a side effect of all the drugs working themselves out of my system.  

Speaking of side effects, my leprosy has gotten much better, thank goodness!!  Steroids mess with my skin something fierce and I hate it!!  My jumbo bell to warn people that I’m unclean has been replaced by something more Tinker Bell-sized.  Hallelujah.

However, the MS still rages on.  Today my eyes are all messed up.  I feel like I’m looking out a dirty window.  That’s really the best way I can explain it.  It’s like I have some fuzzy, gray spots in my vision that I can’t clear up and it’s making everything bleary.  I had to put my glasses on, and still, it’s not right.  Oh well. 

My legs are also starting to be painful.  I don’t understand.  Not only do I get numbness, now my calves are aching.  Moo.  It’s really an interesting combination if I stop and think about it.  I would prefer the numbness over the pain any day, but maybe it’s my body fighting the numbness and translating it into pain?  Who knows.  Got to add that weirdness to the list.  

OK, now I need to get working on school.  Oh that’s right; on top of all the other madness that is my life, I’ve decided to go back to school.  I’m currently in Week 4 in my online classes at Benedictine University and I LOVE IT!!!  Well, things are getting more intense now, but it’s great to have something to apply my energy to.  I’m going for a degree in Organizational Leadership.  It's basically my job on paper.  I get to study how people interact in a business....more the psychological aspect of a business degree.  Lucky for me my employer offers tuition reimbursement of $6,000/year until it's all paid off.  Sounds like I'll be working at Liberty Mutual for a loooooooooonnnnnnngggggg time.  My degree should take me between 2.5-3 years to complete, but who knows how long it will take to pay off.  I may be better off giving Liberty my firstborn.  Oh wait, that requires getting pregnant.  Guess that's not going to happen anytime soon, hahaha!!  :)