It'll happen...someday...

I just realized today, May 25^th, that if things were different, I would have a newborn baby girl.  She would be about 5 days old and probably sleeping and pooping her way through life.  I don’t know why I didn’t think about this on May 20^th, my actual due date.  It’s probably a good thing that I didn’t realize it on the actual date, because I would have been a basket case.  

But today, I realized it as I was driving to my doctor’s office.  It took me by such surprise that I almost veered off the road.  (Jon would not have been happy as he paid entirely too much for my wheels.)

I remember the day I found out that I had lost my baby like it was yesterday.  It was Friday, October 15^th, 2010…Jon and I were going to see the Baby Doc.  I was so freakin’ excited to be getting my 9 week ultrasound.  I had had some bleeding the week prior, so my Baby Doc wanted to see me at 9 weeks.  I remember giddily getting undressed and putting on my paper clothes and hopping up on the table for the exam.  The Baby Doc came in and said “Are you ready?”   “You betcha!!” was my very Minnesotan response.  He got everything ready and then we were off.

And then came those awful words: “I’m so sorry, Katie; there’s no heartbeat.” 

My world stopped.

“What?  Are you sure?  Look again!!!” I was in a panic; Jon reached for my hand.

“I’ve double- and triple-checked.  I’m so sorry”.

This can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening.

And then I lost it.  We had tried for over 2 years at that point to get pregnant.  I had already gone through an a-typical ectopic pregnancy the year before, and now this??  I got diagnosed with MS that May and now this??  What the hell did I do wrong to deserve this??  We had just told my family the week before that we were expecting, and now THIS??  What the $#&@!!!!!

Needless to say, that was a very dark time for me.  Everybody else around me was getting pregnant and staying pregnant; why not me?  Why was I so broken??  Why was all this sh!t happening to me??

When we got the results of the tests back on the baby, we found out that she had Turner’s Syndrome – some god-awful genetic disease where the baby is missing a chromosome, and rarely survives.  If they do survive, it’s not pretty.  Just google “Turner’s syndrome” and you’ll see why.  All said and done, it’s a blessing that the pregnancy ended when it did.  

Of course, I can say that now because I’ve come to terms with everything.  Unfortunately, I’ve not had any luck getting pregnant because of the MS, but Jon and I will be meeting with an infertility specialist in June to start looking into the IVF process.  Why do they call them “infertility specialists”??  Shouldn’t they be called “fertility specialists”??  After all, they specialize in making you fertile.  “Infertility” just seems so negative.  

Anyways, if we’re super lucky, we could be the next Jon and Kate plus 8!!